Answers to sex questions by a sex therapist & psychotherapist
This section answers real questions that are commonly asked to sex therapist & psychotherapist. My expertise may guide you to help concerning certain sexual difficulties by reading the answers.
It is important to know that this does not replace therapy by a professional and they cannot be considered as a diagnostic. The answers may not fit every similar situation as I will be taking elements directly from the question. It is very probable that the answers may help you in your situation. This section is to help you reflect on your difficulty and to give professional information and help you find a solution.
Hello, I am married since 2005 and I’m 35 years and I have 2 children. My problem is that I hate to make love with my husband. I love him a lot. I have chosen him as a husband and he does everything to please to me, but I do not know what is happening to me. Since the first day of our marriage, it has been the same thing. Each time it feels like rape to me.
There are several reasons that could explain a lack of sexual desire or a dislike towards sexuality with a partner. Moreover, several people continue to have sexual relationships with their partner when there isn’t any interest to do it, and this is the case for men as for women. Sometimes, they do it out of marital obligation, to silence their persistent partner in their requests or to avoid a conflict. What are the factorswhich lead you to continue to have sexual activities when you do not feel the desire for them?
It can be very difficult to discuss with our partner our disinterest towards our couple’s sex life. We can be afraid to disappoint them, hurt their feelings, create a conflict, undergo marital violence, etc. In any of these cases, it is important to respect ourselves. With this in mind, one can try to put their limits by refusing sex with their partner when they do not have the desire for it. How could you say this to your partner? How do you imagine the situation unfolding? Certain partners will strongly react to this refusal. They can become hot-tempered, sad, anxious, demoralized, angry, etc. How do you envision managing his reaction and the situation? What are the reasons which would prevent you from discussing it with him?
Avoiding the discussion can decrease the interest towards sexuality and consequently brings a person to hatelove-making with their partner. We can even develop unpleasant emotions towards our partner who agrees to have sex that we do not wish to have. Which emotions do you have towards your partner concerning thissituation? Certain people feel shame, disgust, anger, unhappiness, contempt, etc.
Another aspect which needs to be explored is the possible loss of respect towards the partner and ourselves in the process. When we agree to have sex that we do not wish to have, it becomes difficult to respect ourselves and our partner, which consequently, decreases our sexual desire towards them or sex altogether.How do you perceive your partner during a sex? What do you think of during sex? Do you believe that yourpartner feels your disinterest when you are physically intimate with him? What does that mean about you andyour relationship with your husband?
Our couple’s sexual dynamic is essential to evaluate when one partner feels a lack of sexual desire. More precisely, what do you hate about your sex life with your partner? What changes would you bring to your sex life? First of all, it is important to know our preferences when it comes to sex so we can then discuss it withour partner. Sometimes, couples have diverging ideas on certain sexual positions, practices or styles. Whatare your sexual preferences and those of your partner?
Do you believe yourself to able to have a discussion on your sexual practices with your partner? This kind of conversation can create tensions in the couple and generate a conflict. It is more reassuring to perceive this conflict as a way to improve our relationship and our sex life then a fight with your partner. These conflicts are never easy to manage and often require the assistance of a professional, like a sex therapist or a couple’stherapist.
It is also important to reflect on our own relationship with sexuality. The perception of sexuality is different for everyone. It is therefore preferable to question our perceptions about sex and relationship with sexuality in general. Do you feel sexual desire for other people? Do you like sexuality outside of your couple (masturbation, sexual fantasies, etc.)? What is your perception of sexuality? Did you ever have similar difficulties with other sexual partners? If you have a bad perception of sex or a difficult relationship with sexuality, it would be beneficial to consult a sex therapist individually in order to better understand thesefeeling.
Hello to you! I have a big question! Is it possible that a 22 year old man doesn’t have any moredesire to have sex or is it simply a sign that our couple has problems? It’s now been 4 years that weare together, I am pregnant with my 3rd baby and the problem exists for the past 3 years. But now, it’s getting worse. For 2 months, we haven’t had any sexual contact! We hardly kiss, touch, or hug each other. Do I need to leave this relationship?
There exist various reasons explaining a lack of sexual desire for one or both partners in a relationship. The dynamics of the couple and the satisfaction in the relationship can largely influence the sexual desire of a person towards their partner. It is also important to question about sexual satisfaction. What are your levelsof satisfaction in the couple and of your sex life for each one of you? Do you take the time to discuss your couple and sexual dissatisfactions? If so, how did you try to fix it?
It should be understood that in each couple, there is always a Low Desire Partner (LDP) and a High Desire Partner (HDP). Contrary to popular beliefs, we find as many men as women being a LDP. The behaviours, attitudes and reactions of the HDP play a very important part on the sexual desire of their partner. Each one of these roles in the couple (HDP & LDP) comes with its load of difficulties. The HDP often feels inadequatesexually and has the feeling of being unable to meet the sexual needs of their partner’s. They can also feelguilt, incomprehension, shame, anger, sadness for wanting more sex than their partner, etc. The LDP can feelpowerless, frustrated, harassed, and their personal self-esteem can become affected about not being a good partner. How do you manage/tolerate this difference between both of two?
You mentioned that you were a mother of two children and a third one will soon be part of the family. Thereis a certain adjustment which must occur for new parents who add an extra role of mother and father in theircouple. Sometimes, the role of being a man and a woman takes up less space or even disappears and are replaced by a mother and father figure. Certain men have difficulty eroticizing the new image of motherwhom their partner now incarnates. As for women, their bodies change due to the pregnancy and it often has an impact on their perception of themselves which affects their femininity. Which impacts do you believe thatyour new roles of mother and father have had on your sex life?
Moreover, flirting is frequently forgotten or put aside in a couple after several years of dating. We often take our partner for granted and limit our implication in seducing them. The High Desire Partner (HDP) will start to evaluate the level of sexual desire of their spouse rather than create it. Do you take the time to seduce yourselves in your couple? How do you do it? What happens if you don’t succeed? Do you spend time as a couple, without the children?
The lack of the sexual desire in one partner is a frequent step in a couple’s life and is even normal in a long term relationship. It is actually an opportunity to awaken and transform our sex life in the couple. On the other hand, it often requires leaving our comfort zone, to reveal ourselves on deeper levels and develop our eroticism. The assistance of a sex therapist often proves necessary due to the complexity of this difficulty.
Hello sir, I would like to know what is the ideal size for a penis. For example: 15cm 18cm?
The size of the penis is an aspect which worries many men for various reasons. Several cultures andcivilizations put much emphasis on the size of male genitalia. For the man, it does not change anything when it comes to his sexual pleasure and the sexual arousal which he will be able to feel in his sexuality. For certainmen, the size of their penis will enable them to have more confidence in themselves and have theperception of being a better lover. Men who think they have a smaller penis then others often have a low sexual self-esteem which will negatively affect their appreciation of their sex life.
The size of the penis varies much from one man to another in his flask state (without an erection). On the other hand, the majority of penises in erection range from 5 to 6 inches on average according to international studies. One can speak of a micro penis when its length is below 4 inches when erect. However, studies also show that the majority of women are not worried about penis size. Certain women do attach some significance due to former sexual experience. In fact, some prefer a larger penis because of the feeling it provides during penetration or are sexually aroused when they see it or touch it. Others will prefer smaller ones because a larger penis can limit certain positions or can hurt. It all depends on personal preferences ofeach woman or man. Although the size of the penis has an importance for certain women, the great majorityput more emphasis on other factors to evaluate their sexual satisfaction with their partner. For example,tenderness, confidence, variety, manliness, intimacy, sexual intensity, etc.
Hello, I have a small question. Do most people prefer sex with penetration or is doing the 69 position (mutual oral sex) enough for them? Is the 69 position seen more as a preliminary or can it also be considered as having sex? Can 69 be considered a complete and satisfactory sexual act in a couple? I started a new relationship recently and my new boyfriend thinks that all women can be amply satisfied by doing the 69 position, according to his last relationships. That is why I ask my question.
In fact, sexual behaviours are varied and numerous in couples, whereas the popular belief is that sex is notcomplete without penetration and an orgasm (normally the men’s). With this restrictive way of thinking, oralsex will be regarded only as being part of sexual preliminaries. If this definition is used, it is thus consideredthat homosexuals and lesbians, the paraplegic or any person not using penetration in their sexual repertoiredo not have complete sexual relationships. What do you think about it? What is your definition of a sexual relationship?
Certain people will define a sexual relationship as reaching orgasm. Others, by the level of satisfaction they obtain or the quality of the emotional exchange. Each definition is valid in itself, because everyone has theirown sexual preferences. The practice of oral sex can fully satisfy certain people, whereas others want the feelings that you can only get during penetration. Our definition of a “complete” sexual relationship can alsochange every time we have sex: a couple can be entirely satisfied with a manual stimulation (masturbate their partner’s) one evening, but want to practice penetration the next time they have sex. It is thus difficultto affirm that everyone can be satisfied by only one type of sexual behaviour. It is then important to varythese sexual practices on occasion in order to move away from a routine which tends to decrease the sexual desire of most couples (read: Lack of Sexual Desire is Good for Your Couple).
Sometimes, partners do not agree on their definition of a “complete” sexual relationship. This leaves one of them dissatisfied; their needs are not being fulfilled during their sexual activities. In such a situation, a discussion between the partners is necessary so that each one finds their satisfaction. It is important to remain open to what the other can bring to us and to clearly explain what we are looking for in our sexuality(read: Couple’s Communication Issues or Unable to Tolerate Intimacy?).
All in all, the more our perception of sexuality is widened, the more one has the potential to open up sexually.To limit our definition of a “complete” sexual relationship brings frustration, disappointment and dissatisfaction with our partner. We must sometimes leave our comfort zone, explore new avenues and redefine our perceptions of sexuality in order to develop our sexual maturity.
I have a problem which makes me live unhappiness, please help me. Does masturbation have a negative impact on my health? I am an 18 year old girl and I am so afraid that masturbation canmake me sterile because I heard that it causes several bad effects on health. Also masturbation has an influence on virginity! Please help me I am so frightened!
Masturbation is a sexual activity which can be practiced individually or as a couple. It allows us to explore our body and the sexual sensations which it can provide. This practice also makes it possible to discover oursexual preferences, to explore various ways of arousing ourselves sexually and to increase our sexual pleasure. It also has advantages on our physical health; for example, it relaxes us, reduces our musculartensions and relieves stress. What are your reasons for masturbating?
There is no negative impact on the physical level when one masturbates and it does not affect fertility at all.In fact, it is even good to masturbate before, during and after pregnancy. Several myths on masturbation circulate to discourage people not to practice it, often for moral or religious reasons. Moreover, as mentioned above, masturbation also has various advantages on the psychological level. Does that reassure you?
The definition of virginity is not only cultural, but also differs from one person to another. For certain people,it will be associated with the presence of the hymen (thin membrane at the entrance of the vagina). For others, it will not be the case since the hymen can tear before the first penetration with a partner. For example, by using a tampon, practicing sports such as cycling or riding a horse, as well as masturbation, if penetration is used (fingers or objects). In addition, losing one’s virginity can be defined for certain people as the experience of a first sexual relationship. How do you perceive virginity? What importance do you grant it?
Is it possible to leave homosexuality and to go back to heterosexuality? I was involved in homosexual relationships and I want to change. How can you help me? Is it possible to help me because you know routine blunts sensitivity or is man a creature of habit. How can you help me to be attracted by the opposite sex again? Is there a remedy?
There exists a variety of hypotheses explaining the origins of homosexuality, such as the level of hormones, development of the brain, sexual experiences, or a person’s upbringing. Some explanations are biological or social and a mixture of these two approaches exists as well. Several treatments and therapies have already been tested in the past and they have proven to be dangerous and did not really help. It is thus not possible to treat or change someone’s sexual orientation, because it is not a disease or a mental health problem. How do you feel about this fact? What could help you to accept it better?
Since our sexual orientation can’t be chosen, it can be difficult to accept it. This form of homophobia is generally influenced by personal values, cultural and family upbringing, as well as religion. On top of that, there are several myths on homosexuality, which persist in reinforcing homophobia. What are your reasons to prefer being heterosexual? How do you perceive each sexual orientation? What attracts you more towards heterosexuality rather than homosexuality? A therapy with a sex therapist can be necessary to overcome these difficulties and to better accept our homosexuality.
The process of acceptance is generally done in steps. There are some variations from one individual to another since each one will have a different personality, history and socio-cultural context. These steps include confusion, tolerance towards our sexual orientation, acceptance and finally their is pride in our sexual orientation. Where do you situate yourself in this process at the moment? Do you feel the need to be guided through this?
Hello, how are you? I have a question, I was wondering what exactly is female ejaculation made of?
For many years now, there has been debates in the scientific community about the composition of female ejaculate. The latest research demonstrated that the liquid comes from the Skene glands, which are the equivalent of the prostate for men and that they can be found between the urethra and the vagina. On top of that, female ejaculate would also have the same composition as the liquid that is produced by the prostate in sperm. Although, since the exit point of female ejaculation is so near the urethra, it’s possible to find very small amounts of urine. It’s important to stress that urine is a sterile liquid and that female ejaculate can only have very insignificant traces of it.